


little br oken girl

by herwhiteknight



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, F/F, First Dates, First Meetings, First Time, Fluff and Angst, Stylistically Chosen Format, Unconventional Format, narrative poetry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-20
Updated: 2015-11-20
Packaged: 2018-05-01 22:51:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5224013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/herwhiteknight/pseuds/herwhiteknight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cosima Niehaus meets someone who makes her forget about dying, just for a little while.</p>
            </blockquote>





	little br oken girl

another breath and another sun  
that's one more you get to experience  
you woke up today  
without a clue  
whose life you'd change today

it wasn't their life but yours that tilted  
when that rough voice let out an accented apology  
as you both fumbled with your scattered textbooks  
you smiled, heart st  
stutt  
stuttering  
_god this woman was beautiful_  
told her shyly to pay for your next drink at the bar  
(you know, to make up for it)  
your heart ex    p     l       o       d    e   s  
as she hands you your biology notes  
and asks if you're busy right _now_  
(you really should be studying)  
a vague gesture towards your favourite bar is your response

her quick wit rivals her smile for charm  
and you're laughing more than you have in a long time  
(because you've been afraid of your body betraying you)  
(it doesn't. not tonight)

a few drinks later and she's sloppy  
you're trying to tell her that she's had enough  
but she shakes her head  
reaches for another shot  
(her eyes are blood shot, there's a frown that looks ugly)  
                   (you've never seen anything more gorgeous)  
and turns to you  
holds your eyes in hers for an eternity  
before a tear slips  
                     down  
                     her  
                     cheek  
and whispers that her little girl               died three months ago

a million questions spin through your mind  
but she's not ready for any of them  
already the confession has taken its toll  
and she's  
          clawing                                keep  
                    at                           to         from  
                      your           trying                   crying  
                       shoulders  
(take her home, get her to bed)  
timidly, you voice the suggestion but she cries **harder**  
she has no home

somehow, she's back in your bed  
your bodies a ta    led me  
                          ng          ss          in the sheets

her fingers are _fast_ inside you  
and you're moaning  
your brain is screaming  
(this is wrong, this wont help her)  
but you see the pain behind the lust  
and realize that she's trying to **h**    _r_    **i**    _u_    **d**    _n_    **e**

so you let her run a little longer as she sends you over the edge  
and hope as you kiss this woman  
this broken little girl  
(more tenderly than you've ever kissed _anyone_ )  
that you can help her forget a little while longer

in the morning you wake up  
(some days it's a surprise that you do)  
and see that she's gone  
you shouldn't be as disappointed as you are  
she used you but  
you would've done the same  
                                             --a dead daughter  
you're struggling with your own mortality  
and still you can't imagine anything worse

but still she leaves a                                        in your chest  
the way no one ever has  
before  
she's got you feeling golden  
in a place that was only ever tainted by copper  
you resolve right then to find her  
even if it kills you  
(because you're already dying)

lectures are on autopilot  
(though you've been stoked about this guest speaker for _weeks_ )  
the words _find her but where do i find her_  
                            bounce  
                                                                           around  
                                   in  
                                                       your  
                           head.

You're obsessing          but       you don't care  
she needs a friend  
or maybe  
                                                  (you do)

the next time you bump into her  
(you weren't stalking the bar nopenot at all)  
she's not smiling  
but she brightens when she sees you  
not much  
still, it's a little  
                         soars  
                heart  
       your  
and 

it's as beautiful as you remember it  
so you tell her, hoping it's nottoofast  
and you're relieved when her response is a bigger grin  
her husky words causing your heart to  
                                                poundbeatthump     faster thanyou knewitcould  
it's still broken  
just not as much. anymore.

the next few weeks with her is a blur  
you fail a midterm  
awhile ago, your parents would have thrown a fit  
but they're sympathetic now because  
                                                      well  
                                                      (you're dying)  
it's the only time you're grateful for that excuse  
                                                      (except that it's a reality)

when she finds out about your test results  
she gets unusually serious and tells you to study more  
because you     can't     end up like her  
you hate the pain in her eyes so you tickle her until she screams  
                                                      then tell her you promise to ace the next one  
                                                      (but there isn't a “next one”)

your illness hits you suddenly  
(you forgot you were sick)  
surprising even you  
bre    ak        ing her even more  
                                       because you never told her  
                                       (it never seemed important)  
but there's no time for apologies  
in  
flashes of  
            red     andblue  
loud     screaming               and whitetrucks wailing  
          (or was it her?)  
        (could maybe must be)

you can still hear it  
them  
hear her

she's     screamingscreamingandscreamingand there's wailingand yelling andsomuchpain youwantit tostop go away IthoughtIstoppedyourpain you'realright now whyare you still screamingI'll doanything just pleasemakeyour screaming stop Ican't--

Silence.

 

it's.. over

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     it's quiet  


it's gentle.

..it's nothing

even her agony  
was better than this

in the silence you're forced to reflect  
you spent all that time helping                                                                                                                                                                                                                         her  
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     forget

encouraging                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           her smiles  
kissing away                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           her scars  
soothing                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   her tears

you forgot what would happen if you suddenly left                                                                                                                                                                                           her  
you believed that                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              she  
(you were so sure)                                                                                                                                                                                                                  was self-sustaining

because that was your only goal  
you didn't know that                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         she  
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      had one as well

to make you                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    hers  
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    forever  
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   and she  
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    believed that she  
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         had  
you both believed it  
but you forgot Death  
He was the strongest contender on your life  
and He claimed you as His long before  
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          she                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           did

He took you away from                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    her  
leaving you with one last glimpse

of that lost  
  
little girl  
  
who looks now  
  
even more  
  
b      r       o      ke            n

**Author's Note:**

> It has taken me an entire /week/ to HTML format this correctly (I'm gonna have nightmares about & nb sp ; now), so I'd really /really/ appreciate comments on whether or not you guys thought the whole "visual" aspect worked, and all that, as well as the narrative of the poem itself. Thanks! :) 
> 
> ((and before /any/ of you comments something about using the "rich text" option, believe me, I am /aware/ of that option. It just didn't work for this particular piece))


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